Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
