so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
