i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
