you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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