Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
