The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I just googled if crying burns calories
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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