hotel room ftw
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
