i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
