when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
