I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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