but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Of course I have a pirate flag
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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