My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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