On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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