Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
we have pet lesbian snakes
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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