Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
