that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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