cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
