went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
