I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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