Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
