Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Randomize
