Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
