So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
