need another drink. this is the easiest way
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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