So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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