im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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