she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
