My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize