He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i think i just lost a toe
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
