I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize