I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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