I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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