the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize