Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
