i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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