Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
