He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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