literally had 100 drinks last night.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
