I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
