That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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