I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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