I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
