On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
