He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
