So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
