Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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