i think my mom watched the whole time
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
