I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I am one with the molecules
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
