I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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