If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
