He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
