Girls should come with a carfax report
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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