Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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