There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
