sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
