took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
